What it really means to be a kid at heart.

Tonight was a rough night. I find myself having lots of arguments in my head lately. I decided to psychoanalyze myself and figure out who I am.

I don’t know what kind of person you are, but I am a giver. I constantly put others before myself. I’m a Leo, if that helps you understand. Just seems to be in our nature to rule the pride. Well, recently, life has been tough. In fact, it has been turned upside down. So here I am trying to put it right side up but it is heavy and I’m worried I’m going to get crushed. Why not just ask for help?

What is help exactly? Is that me asking and you doing as little as possible to actually help or is it you offering to help…and actually helping because you want to?  Can you tell I’m a woman?

I’m a helper and I try to offer help because I know how it feels to ask for help and everyone shrink away. Asking sucks but some people have no issues asking. I on the other hand suck at asking and feel like asking makes me weak. Weak to myself. How stupid right? Like really? I’m really going to judge myself because not enough people in the fucking world judge me.

The root of the issue is, I’m worried about what others might think of me. Now it is this thought that led to many other thoughts about my life right now. I was thinking to myself, I’m almost 37 years old. Why do I give a fuck what other people think? Why does it even fucking matter? Why do I care that I might be judged? I have no idea really…or at least at that moment I did not.

I constantly feel like I need to be careful about what I do or say because someone…friends, family….special ones, might get upset. So I talk to myself. This is why women are nuts.

My realization on this fear of asking for help or standing up for myself seems to be stemming from…..yeah, you got it! Childhood. There was a moment when I was very young that changed the course of my whole life. I couldn’t tell you if it was for the better or worse but I certainly struggled for years.  This moment was in the midst of all that and I was potentially being dramatic or upset and I used my issue as an excuse. The response I received after this declaration was one of apathy.

It is this moment that changed the way I acted and reacted to emotional issues. I’m a cold person if something is wrong with you. I become selfish and angry. But when I am in trouble or just need to blurt out how I am feeling, I stop myself. Because I am afraid people will think of me, what I think of them. Pretty fucked up.

I’m stuck in a moment of childhood and I do not know how to get out of it. I meditate a lot but not enough about my own path.

I’m not sure this is a first step or anything, ha! I just feel like recognizing these weird moments that shape our person are important to reflect on, even if it is just with ourselves.

A Day in the life of Divorce

She is leaving. Her mind isn’t quite made up but something deep down is guiding her to this conclusion. He won’t change, and she knows this. She has told herself this over and over again. “People don’t change”. Everyone reminds her of this even though she takes pride in trying or accomplishing change. She feels like she is manipulating her own thoughts.

“You know you have to do this.”

“You know it’s the right thing to do.”

“You know this is what you want.”

Or is it? Does she know what she wants or is she flying by the seat of her pants? Is she willing to throw it all away for this gut feeling? With every question, another question comes up and she can’t shake the feeling that her uncertainty worries her.

She begins to analyze her life. She was vibrant and full of life and now she feels weak without direction. She was driven and grasped on to her career with vigor and enthusiasm. Now she isn’t working and has no desire to do so. She felt pretty and confident. Today she feels ugly and wonders where her glow went. She thinks he did this to her. This soulmate has sucked the energy from her.

She tells him, its over. She is afraid to see his reaction but hopes it will be easier then the road leading up to this momentous decision. He is mad, but he doesn’t cry this time. The coldness, which lies deep within, makes a quick appearance and vanishes quickly. She hasn’t seen his cold side in a very long time. The last time was now a refreshed memory of separation and pain. Last time he walked away with not so much as a look in her direction, leaving her alone, son in hand, at the airplane. Today she is walking away.

She begins to pack. Daydreams filled with age appropriate apartments, a career and a new lease on life dance through her head. The nagging feeling is gone, she feels confident in her decision. Oh the possibilities are endless.

A few days go by and she is counting the days until she can physically leave. She is moving away, to another state. She has a support system there and feels it is the best move for her. Her son will stay with him for awhile. That will be hard.

Something has changed. She senses it but cannot put her finger on it. Like an energy shift, the air was unrecognized. He seems fine. He has come to the conclusion that this is best. He seems weird. He is acting weird. Over a decade of living with this man and she doesn’t recognize him. He’s going to dinner at a friends house. He has been leaving a lot. It feels strange watching him go out and enjoy life when he mostly sat around when they were together.  “What time are you going?” she asks. “You are leaving at 6?……pause…..are you taking our son?”. He is not, why would he? She just asked that because she had nothing else to say but felt weird not saying more. Only a few more days and she will be on her way. “You aren’t going till 8 now?” she asks, perplexed. Why would you invite someone to dinner and not know when your wife was coming home to cook it? She continues packing, thinking about what she will make for dinner. ” Now you aren’t going to dinner? ….what kind of problems? ohhhh….marriage issues?”. This is the strangest situation she’s ever heard! Invited to dinner, pushed out for a couple of hours, now dinner is off because wife and hubby are having issues.

She’s in the kitchen, getting the pan out.

“Why are you going over there?”

His friend needs someone to lean on. “You might stay the night?”

He met someone. She hides this thought from her face. She tends to give away feelings with her face. She watches him walk out of the house. Something shifts within her. She doesn’t realize it, only senses it slightly. But, other thoughts are consuming her mind now. Maybe she is letting her imagination get the best of her.

Her and son eat dinner. She makes his lunch for the next day. She wonders if he will come back, after all he did tell her he might stay over. The boy goes to bed, giving her a big kiss as he runs through the house to his room, leaving giggles in his wake. Maybe she should send him a text and ask if he is going to stay so she can set the alarm if she has to? That sounds good…………

…….

…….

…….

“ok”.

He is coming back. She questions her first reaction. Crawling in bed, she tells herself, no big deal after all.

Time for coffee. He’s gone and son is on his bike, heading to school. Driving always evokes a little meditation on her part. She allows her mind to take over for a bit while her conscience takes care of the driving. She allows it to happen, allows it to come in, take a seat and get comfy on the mush of her brain. She couldn’t help it, what happened last night was weird and she cannot let it go. Why can’t she? She is troubled once again with this feeling that keeps coming back to her. What is she doing? Is she making the right decision? Was he with her last night?

She should be jumping for joy, after all, she asked God to make this easy on him. What is easier then meeting someone new? But I’m still here.

I have to know.

He has a lock on his phone. When did that happen? I’ve never looked at his phone before. He has it plugged in near his feet. There is no room to walk between the couch and table, what if I kick him on accident? I’d be caught and that would really suck. You’ve been married to him for 11 years! Walk over to the phone, unplug it and walk away, NOW! Deep breath, go!

####, *enter

It worked. Find the texts, find her name, scroll scroll scroll…..keywords:

miss

baby

can’t wait

hate

see you soon

lunch

I never loved her.

She is shaking. Stop shaking. Stop shaking. Deep breaths. Close it. Put it back. Go lay down. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t cry.

You wanted this.

I know I did.

Then why are you crying?

Because I love him.

Then why are you leaving?

I don’t know.

 

I Think She’s Cuckoo, Not for Cocoa Puffs

Where, oh where do I begin? Let’s start with this: My neighbor might be cuckoo.

‘Might” is relative. To tell such a cuckoo story, one must begin, well…at the beginning.

I won’t lie, I’m a bit of a recluse. I have friends of course but when it comes to my wee castle, I stay in. I watch t.v., I play with my son, I cook dinner and I play on the internet. I like my time and hey, I don’t really like being bothered. Time is precious and though I’m young as everyone likes to point out, Life is short…no if’s and’s or buts about it!

So, let’s say September time frame, I start chatting with my neighbor. I’m in the backyard and she’s talking to the nice lady who lives behind us and it turns out, someone broke into her house. This is astonishing. Why? Because we live in what you’d call a gated community with armed men in uniform at all gates. Not something that typically happens on a…government installation. Her husband is away, for awhile, so it’s her and her kid. We start to talk, and after a few days we talk more. To cut this part slightly shorter…the house keeps getting broken into and no one is taking it seriously. I’m a little freaked and try to watch when I can. Now as a side-note and a very important part in all this, it turns out we have a few things in common. We both read Tarot cards and hence, our spiritual side is similar. I’m Wiccan, I guess. I’m baptized Catholic which means I potentially could drink a lot and love bread…with a side of butter please. But, I was jaded in high school and found Wicca. I’m what you would call a solitaire witch and think Covens are full of crazies who claim to be eclectic, or are full of dungeons and dragons players that took the game a little too far. Just my opinion but my luck with covens has been like a severe nerd-fest and I was worried it would rub off. Anywho, it’s good to note that against popular beliefs, Wicca is a very pleasant religion. It’s Earth based and goes by the seasons. And one more important fact that I would ask you to remember through this reading because it will come back…witch’s cast spells. Spells are like prayers and the number one rule is, you don’t cast spells against others or it comes back three-fold. I have enough bad luck as it is….so this is one rule I stick to.

Now, let’s jump forward a little. My neighbor, seemed to be paranoid. Some of this was a given considering the situation but some things were just ridiculous. In the heat of the moment I dared not say anything because as we ladies know, you don’t want to tell another lady she’s wrong or…cuckoo. But, she would swear to things that were just impossible or take one little thing and turn it into the Alps. I could have skied down her fears and paranoia. In the end, they are pretty sure they figured out who it was. This was after she had her locks changed twice, put her own security camera’s up, put in flood lights, had the cops driving by every night and had her friend and neighbor…me, watching her house like a hawk. I can’t tell you the numerous things we did for her. She even called the cops on my husband once because she thought he was the burglar. If she would of just looked through her peep-hole, she would have seen it was him.

So now it’s Thanksgiving, her husband is back and we ask them if they want to combine food and eat together. We did and it was great! They had delicious southern dishes and I had my mama’s recipes from the west. MMM MMM good. Then the boys watched football and we read Tarot. My reading for her was pretty right on. She couldn’t stop dwelling on the “person’s” in question and really, was driving herself crazy. The reading she did for me was astounding and it is because of her and that reading, that my marriage went from not so good to grand. And though she may be cuckoo…as a side-note, I will always be grateful for what she told me.

I’m going to backtrack slightly. She is into psychics, Feng-Shui, has had her house “cleansed” and constantly gets readings and help from many in the spiritual profession.  I’m not the opposite but it’s rare that I seek these things.

January, I saw her outside the house as I was going back to work. I hadn’t chatted with her and pulled up to see her. She asked me if I was mad at her because somebody spilled colored dye all over her driveway. I told her that no I wasn’t, in fact I wanted to thank her again because Hubby and I were doing fantastic. I mentioned that I hadn’t seen anything nor did I see the dye. She said she had cleaned it. Apparently I’m not very observant cause I still don’t know where it spilled or what color it was. I left and went to work.

3 weeks ago I’m chillin’ on the couch, minding my business when I get a phone call. It’s her and she sounds stressed. She just left a new psychic she was trying out and apparently this “psychic” told her I was…and I QUOTE..”Burning candles” on her. Now, I consider myself pretty damn smart…in fact, I may be a genius in small circles but I’ll be damned if I’d ever heard this phrase. Confused, I asked her what the hell that meant? She told me her psychic was positive, POSITIVE,l that I was casting spells on her and that I was not to be trusted. Well! First I laughed because..I didn’t know what else to do. This was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. I told her:

1. I haven’t burned a candle in 6 months for spells and that the last candle I lit was 2 days before that. The candle I burned was one I made and totally screwed up and thought I would test it to see if it collapsed on itself.

2. The golden rule, I don’t cast spells on people and if I do a spell for someone, I always get permission cause it takes that nasty 3-fold rule out of the picture 🙂

3. I have nothing against her…at all. In fact, I like her so why would I do something so ridiculous.

Then she goes on to tell me that this loon of a lady told her I know the chick that was breaking in to her house. Another impossibility! I still don’t know who she is. I know she works at the grocery store here on base but I don’t shop there…I’m a Whole Foods girl.

I told her that I don’t know why this woman would say such a thing but that it was out in left field and completely untrue. Our conversation changed to what’s been going on personally and I ended it with telling her to call me and let me know if she found out anything.

I didn’t hear from her.

Two days ago, I check my mail and get my utility bill. It’s not pretty and I notice some major issues. I’m in a panic and tell my husband that I’m going to  my neighbor to see if she’s got the same problem.

The door was open, I knock, her husband tells me to come in. I ask if he got his bill and he said yes and that it was huge. I asked when wifey would be home, he said he was leaving and that she’d be home soon. I say I’ll come back when she gets home and off I go. I watched for her but it started getting late and I had to make dinner. So I figured I’d leave it for the next day.

Yesterday, I go to work and am waiting on hubby so he can take me to the property management office. I plan on letting loose and getting all this years frustration out on whoever the poor girl is working at the desk that day. I’m pissed! I look down and realize I missed a call from an “Unknown” number. And I think, probably a bill collector but…turns out they left a message and guess who it’s from? Oh yeah…Mrs. Cuckoo. The message was short and to the point, ‘hubby told her I stopped by and that he was uncomfortable with me there without cuckoo and frankly so was she. She didn’t want me over and thought “We had discussed this last time we talked”. And she hung up.

What the Fu…aaack? First, I was shaking. I was so pissed/upset and offended that I couldn’t think straight. Second, I wanted retaliation..I wanted confrontation. But then I thought…why? She obviously believes the loon and constantly needs direction from people she doesn’t know. If she can’t go with her own gut then she’s  missing a big piece of what life is about. No one has all the answers and most psychics are full of shit. I actually felt more grounded and in tune with myself realizing how out of tune my neighbor is.

But this brings on other issues. She is paranoid which means anything that happens in that house..will be directed towards me. I know this because I saw her do it to others and now I’m thinking that a lot of what happened was imagined and that all the issues she thinks she has in that house (ghosts, bad juju) are caused by her and nothing else. As I write this, they have their music banging through my walls…yes, the house is connected, YAY me!

I talked to God last night. I do this often. It’s funny cause I always do it in bed when I’m about to fall asleep. It goes something like this:

“Dear God, I need some help. I do not want to dwell on this stupid bitch. How could she think such a thing and now I’ve got a utility bill I can’t pay. How am I going to pay it? I need a second job. I wish Erik would turn over and stop snoring. Don’t forget Elias has no school on Friday. Oh shit, Dear God I need…shit, Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. AMEN.”

Sometimes I’m Catholic….

The Hypocrisy of Feminists.

Where do I begin?

As you can see it’s been a long while since I’ve written my personal commentary down but I can not be silent any longer.

I’ve been back in the United States for a year now. It has been an exciting year for politics. Barrack Obama made History while Hillary stood by watching hers taken out by a stampede.

I believe Republicans lost hope and forgot the reasons they were Republicans. The news Medias love affair with Obama took the wind right out of our sails. We became tired, and I believe strongly, that we almost raised a white flag. Scary that such a thought might have crossed our minds.

Then John McCain huffed….and he puffed and he blew that white flag straight out of our hands. Not only did he knock down straw and sticks and bricks, He knocked down an ideology that hope was lost. That, my friends, was our white flag. Today it is back to the beautiful Red, White and Blue. The familiar face we love and cherish so much. The stars we wish on and the stripes that surround us with comfort. How did such a thing come to be?

Sarah Palin. Let me type that again, Sarah Palin.

Why has such an unknown tugged at our heart strings, brought us to our feet and uprooted every bad thing we ever thought of our fellow Republicans? Truthfully, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because she’s from Alaska or because she is a mother of 5 children. Maybe it’s her track record for reform or her strong stance for Conservatism. Maybe it’s because she’s a Woman.

I was never a fan of Hillary, but secretly, I wanted to defend her. She lost the fight with her own party. John McCain reignited the fight in the name of her.

When I think of Sarah, I think of hope, I think of my son with his own familiar disability, Autism and I think of whence we came and where we can go from here. Sarah Palin has become the light in a dim room. I respect McCain and would have voted for him no matter what. But I’m not sure I would of felt as alive as I do right now.

I’m not a feminist. Not because of what they stand for but because of what they have turned their back on. Where are you ladies? Where are the strong women who fought to get where they are, only to take their claws out and strike Sarah Palin’s back? All of the sudden ridiculous questions are being asked about how she could balance such a thing as motherhood and a job? Well I’m so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Feminists….. it must be nice to have the luxury of sitting at home while a husband bakes the bread and slices it for you too. Is she supposed to starve? Does that make her a good mom? “I’m at home ladies with my five children. I can’t feed them but I love them. Yay me”. Give me a righteous break. 

Then her daughter; You have the audacity to attack her children. Who the hell do you think you are? The Virgin Mary? The men and women attacking this young lady are so hypocritical I spit as I say it. I suppose you all went from toddlerism to adulthood without all the mistakes and rebellions of every other teenager I know? Wow, too bad ‘Ripley’s believe it or not’ isn’t still airing. Is it hard being so perfect?

My Father said, in short, “We have all done it, we just got lucky.”

Tonight Sarah will speak. I don’t know what she will say but I do know who will be watching. Everyone. To my fellow Republicans, it’s never been bad. It’s been rough but it’s America and what brings us down, can only make us stronger as we rise again. To my fellow Democrats, vote on what you believe in, not what color or ass you bear. To my fellow independents and all of you in-between;  Listen, listen to your own feelings. Listen to your instinct. Put yourself in the candidates’ shoes. If it doesn’t fit, try another pair on because no one wants to walk around for the next 4 years with cramped feet.

Paris Pulls the Sick Card

TMZ.com reported it first and everyone else has been following suit.

 

Now it’s confirmed, Paris is out of Jail and on House Arrest.

Oh Brother. But are we surprised?

Of Course not, I knew she couldn’t do it, you knew she couldn’t do it.

What’s sad is that it’s Breaking News and I, myself, am helping that runaway train.

 Lame Lame Lame.

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

Why CWonder, that’s not very nice!!!

Yes I know..but I don’t care 🙂

rosie.jpg

So after Thursday’s Kitty fight between Elizabeth and Rosie, Rosie calls it quits.

Hmmm, how interesting? Don’t you think?

Rosie the dragon spewing, psycho babbling, conspiracy theory’ing, leftist freakazoid couldn’t hang when the going got tough.

You want me to tell you how I really feel? (grin)

I used to like Rosie, in fact, I loved her. I watched all her movies, her show. I thought she was hysterical but this extreme lefty disease got a hold of her, choked her and she submitted to the extreme.

Watching the debates between Rosie and Elizabeth was like watching regular America. That was the only plus side. There are just as many people out there who clap for Rosie as they do for Elizabeth. People actually believe what comes out of her pie hole.

The debates turned argument, turned emotional, turned personal. And let’s be real here, Rosie did most of the attacking.

When it wasn’t an answer she liked, she took that sharp little knife out and poked it a little deeper.

Elizabeth jabbed back…finally got a good one in and…POOF!!! Rosie’s gone.

Considering her attitude on the show and the “My way is the only way” line of thinking; not to mention the total disregard for the Country she lives in; she copped out.

 It seems every time Rosie comes out in public she causes controversy. We forget about her and back again she comes.

Her comments literally make me sick. Shame on you Rosie. 

Someone get a pail of water so we can be done with this nonsense.

Muslims in America

The Pew Research Center  did a poll on Muslims living in America, the results are all over the news this morning.

Via Washingtonpost.com

The survey by the Pew Research Center found that 78 percent of U.S. Muslims said the use of suicide bombings against civilian targets to defend Islam is never justified. But 5 percent said it is justified “rarely,” 7 percent said “sometimes,” and 1 percent said “often”; the remaining 9 percent said they did not know or declined to answer.

Quite different from Muslims living in Britain, France and Spain, which are twice as likely to defend suicide bombings.

I’m not sure if that’s supposed to make me feel better? It doesn’t really.

There’s a lot of positives in this survey but their are some negative’s that are concerning.

Still, the poll found “pockets of sympathy for extremism” particularly among African Americans and young Muslims, said Andrew Kohut, head of the Pew Research Center

Surprising…..

Native-born African American Muslims, who represent about 20 percent of the total Muslim population, are its most disillusioned segment, the report shows. They are more skeptical than foreign-born Muslims of the idea that hard work pays off. About 13 percent are satisfied with the way things are going, compared with 29 percent of other native-born Muslims and 45 percent of Muslim immigrants.

9% have a favorable attitude towards Osama Bin laden.

Another interesting fact, A majority of muslims are flocking to the Democrat Party, 6 to 1. This is because a large majority don’t support the war efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Sigh…I support the war, but sometimes I think, “What the hell are we doing there? If they don’t give a shit, why do we?”

Alright, sidetracking this discussion…

Dr.Sanity had a rant the other day on what is wrong with Islam, men in paticular.

First let me say, I completely agree with her!

A piece from her fantastic and informative post.

I have said it before and I will say it again here: the treatment of women under Islam is not only the key to understanding the pathology of the culture, but also the key to developing an antidote to its most poisonous and toxic elements.

Unveiling the women of Islam and eliminating their second-class status; empowering them in the oppressive Islamic countries where their individuality and self-expression has been crushed– may cause a ripple effect that could eventually alter a family structure that currently encourages the development of generation after generation of dysfunctional and pathological men and women.What seems most characteristic about the type of Islam practiced in the Middle East today (and being exported around the world) is that its attitude toward women most certainly has no relationship to reality. Reality is indeed a “mistake” in their eyes, and they fully intend to rectify it–no matter how many deaths and lives are sacrificed to their perverted religious ideology.

Psychiatrists generally refers to this state as “psychotic” and “delusional”.

It has been argued (and there is a great deal of merit in the argument, in my opinion) that Islamist terror can be thought of in part, at least, as a response to sexual rage, frustration, and the humiliation of being connected to a “degraded mother.” Thus the men in the culture must constantly assert their masculinity, defend their masculine “honor”, and strike out in rage against any who “shame” them.

I wrote of Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s book, Infidel here; Dr. Sanity’s post reminds me of the book. So maybe it would be educational to read both.