What it really means to be a kid at heart.

Tonight was a rough night. I find myself having lots of arguments in my head lately. I decided to psychoanalyze myself and figure out who I am.

I don’t know what kind of person you are, but I am a giver. I constantly put others before myself. I’m a Leo, if that helps you understand. Just seems to be in our nature to rule the pride. Well, recently, life has been tough. In fact, it has been turned upside down. So here I am trying to put it right side up but it is heavy and I’m worried I’m going to get crushed. Why not just ask for help?

What is help exactly? Is that me asking and you doing as little as possible to actually help or is it you offering to help…and actually helping because you want to?  Can you tell I’m a woman?

I’m a helper and I try to offer help because I know how it feels to ask for help and everyone shrink away. Asking sucks but some people have no issues asking. I on the other hand suck at asking and feel like asking makes me weak. Weak to myself. How stupid right? Like really? I’m really going to judge myself because not enough people in the fucking world judge me.

The root of the issue is, I’m worried about what others might think of me. Now it is this thought that led to many other thoughts about my life right now. I was thinking to myself, I’m almost 37 years old. Why do I give a fuck what other people think? Why does it even fucking matter? Why do I care that I might be judged? I have no idea really…or at least at that moment I did not.

I constantly feel like I need to be careful about what I do or say because someone…friends, family….special ones, might get upset. So I talk to myself. This is why women are nuts.

My realization on this fear of asking for help or standing up for myself seems to be stemming from…..yeah, you got it! Childhood. There was a moment when I was very young that changed the course of my whole life. I couldn’t tell you if it was for the better or worse but I certainly struggled for years.  This moment was in the midst of all that and I was potentially being dramatic or upset and I used my issue as an excuse. The response I received after this declaration was one of apathy.

It is this moment that changed the way I acted and reacted to emotional issues. I’m a cold person if something is wrong with you. I become selfish and angry. But when I am in trouble or just need to blurt out how I am feeling, I stop myself. Because I am afraid people will think of me, what I think of them. Pretty fucked up.

I’m stuck in a moment of childhood and I do not know how to get out of it. I meditate a lot but not enough about my own path.

I’m not sure this is a first step or anything, ha! I just feel like recognizing these weird moments that shape our person are important to reflect on, even if it is just with ourselves.