She is leaving. Her mind isn’t quite made up but something deep down is guiding her to this conclusion. He won’t change, and she knows this. She has told herself this over and over again. “People don’t change”. Everyone reminds her of this even though she takes pride in trying or accomplishing change. She feels like she is manipulating her own thoughts.
“You know you have to do this.”
“You know it’s the right thing to do.”
“You know this is what you want.”
Or is it? Does she know what she wants or is she flying by the seat of her pants? Is she willing to throw it all away for this gut feeling? With every question, another question comes up and she can’t shake the feeling that her uncertainty worries her.
She begins to analyze her life. She was vibrant and full of life and now she feels weak without direction. She was driven and grasped on to her career with vigor and enthusiasm. Now she isn’t working and has no desire to do so. She felt pretty and confident. Today she feels ugly and wonders where her glow went. She thinks he did this to her. This soulmate has sucked the energy from her.
She tells him, its over. She is afraid to see his reaction but hopes it will be easier then the road leading up to this momentous decision. He is mad, but he doesn’t cry this time. The coldness, which lies deep within, makes a quick appearance and vanishes quickly. She hasn’t seen his cold side in a very long time. The last time was now a refreshed memory of separation and pain. Last time he walked away with not so much as a look in her direction, leaving her alone, son in hand, at the airplane. Today she is walking away.
She begins to pack. Daydreams filled with age appropriate apartments, a career and a new lease on life dance through her head. The nagging feeling is gone, she feels confident in her decision. Oh the possibilities are endless.
A few days go by and she is counting the days until she can physically leave. She is moving away, to another state. She has a support system there and feels it is the best move for her. Her son will stay with him for awhile. That will be hard.
Something has changed. She senses it but cannot put her finger on it. Like an energy shift, the air was unrecognized. He seems fine. He has come to the conclusion that this is best. He seems weird. He is acting weird. Over a decade of living with this man and she doesn’t recognize him. He’s going to dinner at a friends house. He has been leaving a lot. It feels strange watching him go out and enjoy life when he mostly sat around when they were together. “What time are you going?” she asks. “You are leaving at 6?……pause…..are you taking our son?”. He is not, why would he? She just asked that because she had nothing else to say but felt weird not saying more. Only a few more days and she will be on her way. “You aren’t going till 8 now?” she asks, perplexed. Why would you invite someone to dinner and not know when your wife was coming home to cook it? She continues packing, thinking about what she will make for dinner. ” Now you aren’t going to dinner? ….what kind of problems? ohhhh….marriage issues?”. This is the strangest situation she’s ever heard! Invited to dinner, pushed out for a couple of hours, now dinner is off because wife and hubby are having issues.
She’s in the kitchen, getting the pan out.
“Why are you going over there?”
His friend needs someone to lean on. “You might stay the night?”
He met someone. She hides this thought from her face. She tends to give away feelings with her face. She watches him walk out of the house. Something shifts within her. She doesn’t realize it, only senses it slightly. But, other thoughts are consuming her mind now. Maybe she is letting her imagination get the best of her.
Her and son eat dinner. She makes his lunch for the next day. She wonders if he will come back, after all he did tell her he might stay over. The boy goes to bed, giving her a big kiss as he runs through the house to his room, leaving giggles in his wake. Maybe she should send him a text and ask if he is going to stay so she can set the alarm if she has to? That sounds good…………
He is coming back. She questions her first reaction. Crawling in bed, she tells herself, no big deal after all.
Time for coffee. He’s gone and son is on his bike, heading to school. Driving always evokes a little meditation on her part. She allows her mind to take over for a bit while her conscience takes care of the driving. She allows it to happen, allows it to come in, take a seat and get comfy on the mush of her brain. She couldn’t help it, what happened last night was weird and she cannot let it go. Why can’t she? She is troubled once again with this feeling that keeps coming back to her. What is she doing? Is she making the right decision? Was he with her last night?
She should be jumping for joy, after all, she asked God to make this easy on him. What is easier then meeting someone new? But I’m still here.
I have to know.
He has a lock on his phone. When did that happen? I’ve never looked at his phone before. He has it plugged in near his feet. There is no room to walk between the couch and table, what if I kick him on accident? I’d be caught and that would really suck. You’ve been married to him for 11 years! Walk over to the phone, unplug it and walk away, NOW! Deep breath, go!
It worked. Find the texts, find her name, scroll scroll scroll…..keywords:
see you soon
I never loved her.
She is shaking. Stop shaking. Stop shaking. Deep breaths. Close it. Put it back. Go lay down. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t cry.
You wanted this.
I know I did.
Then why are you crying?
Because I love him.
Then why are you leaving?
I don’t know.